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I have been
divorced for the past two
years. My ex-husband has become
everything I don’t want
my sixteen year old son be.
He’s into partying and
women and general irresponsibility.
I know I’m not supposed
to put my son’s dad down
to him, but I want him to
understand that I don’t
want him to turn out the same
as his dad. So far, he’s
a good kid, but I’m afraid
that his dad’s influence
will eventually rub off on
him. How do I discuss this
subject with my so, or should
I ?
Dr.
Carter: You are indeed
facing a trying and delicate
situation. Studies show that
when divorced parents speak
ill of the other parent, the
children suffer. Yet I can
understand that you do not
want to stand idly by and
let the dad’s behavior
go unaddressed.
I think it would be wise
to speak frankly with your
son about the differences
between you and his dad. After
all, at sixteen, he is old
enough to realize that your
philosophies of life are not
on the same page. It is reasonable
to let your son know what
you stand for regarding morality
and spirituality and responsibility
without insulting his dad.
Simply let him know: “You
know that your dad and I differ
in the way we think. I can
only let you know what I think
is a smart way to live, then
it will be up to you to determine
which path you will choose.”
Then at that point you can
address the issue on you heart.
Put your opinions into play
without necessarily putting
down your ex. I am hoping
your son will appreciate your
candor and that he will see
that you are trying to be
open without being condescending
to his dad.
In the meantime, it will
be helpful for him to have
exposure to other families
that share the same values
as you. I hope he is open
to church youth activities
and other outlets that likely
would expose him to solid
role models.
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My husband and I have been
married almost 20 years. Recently
I learned that he had an affair
with a woman at work. He assures
me that the affair has been
severed and that he absolutely
will not go back to her. We
are in counseling and the
counselor seems to think that
his efforts to restore the
marriage are sincere. My problem
is this. The two of them still
work near each other and it
is not likely that either
will quit their jobs, at least
not in the next several months.
My husband would leave the
job, but it would be hard
for him to get new work, and
we have bills to pay. How
can I keep my sanity knowing
that the woman he shared himself
with is still lurking nearby?
I want to trust him, but how
can I ?
Dr.
Carter: When individuals
have an affair, it is unusual
for them to consider the problems
that you have just described.
Oblivious to reality, they
mistakenly assume that they
can somehow avoid the sticky
circumstances that are part
of the aftermath of an illicit
relationship. It takes exposure
to the loved ones to get these
people back into reality.
Unfortunately that is your
job now, though you certainly
didn’t ask for this job!
In most instances after an
affair has been discovered,
it is necessary to stop all
contact with the other person.
In this case, since it is
not likely that this will
happen for a while, there
are other measures that can
be put into place that can
help create the accountability
that you are looking for.
First, it would not be inappropriate
for you to talk personally
to the other woman, letting
her know of your intentions
to keep your marriage together.
I know that could be difficult
for you, yet it makes you
more real to her, and therefore,
perhaps she will be less inclined
to “swindle” someone
who has a face and a voice
and legitimate priorities.
Second, I think it would be
most necessary for someone
that he respects at his work
to know about what has happened.
I know it would be hard for
your husband to be open about
this, but it could put some
humility into play, and that
is certainly not a bad thing.
It would also mean that you
have an extra set of eyes
on him when he is away from
you. It would be appropriate
for you to check in with this
person regularly.
Finally, I would assume that
he is willing to be completely
accountable regarding his
time, money, phone records,
etc. His full compliance with
such measures would be considered
a good sign. Any indication
from your husband that he,
not you, will call the shots
regarding these matters is
a bad sign.
I’m glad you are in
counseling with him. Stay
with it!
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My seven
year old daughter is a TV
junkie. She watches TV whenever
she is home with free time.
When I try to tell her to
stop watching, she’ll
just go to another part of
the house and watch a different
TV. No amount of pleading
can make her obey. What can
I do?
Dr.
Carter: It seems to
me that the wrong person is
calling the shots at home.
I know that TV can prove to
be a powerful lure for kids,
which is why they need parents
to help them apply the restraint
that is not natural to them.
Don’t plead, use consequences.
It is reasonable to put limits
on the amount of time she
will get to spend watching
approved shows (say, one hour
per day, if that much). When
she chooses to disobey, then
let her know what privileges
she will forfeit. When she
predictably complains, don’t
bargain with her or argue
the legitimacy of your position.
Be calmly firm and let her
know that you will follow
through on the consequences.
When she tries to pull a run-around
by going to a different part
of the house to watch TV,
that immediately is met by
a consequence. (E.g. When
she will not cooperate, she
will lose TV privileges for
the next day.)
Your daughter needs you to
be firm and she actually will
feel more insecure if you
don’t show firmness.
Perhaps you are reluctant
to be as firm as necessary
because of a need to be seen
as a “good guy.”
Remember, she needs you to
be her parent, not a coddler
who is afraid to hurt her
feelings.
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My husband has an associate
at work that he is obviously
very fond of. She is vibrant
and attractive and he openly
states that she stimulates
him because they have so much
in common. It is not unusual
for them to have lunch together,
and although he says they
discuss business, I know it
is more than that. I have
asked him not to have any
one-on-one time with this
woman because it could lead
to something further. He says
I’m being paranoid and
that I don’t trust him.
Am I out of line?
Dr.
Carter: No, you are
not out of line nor do your
sentiments represent paranoia.
People who think of themselves
as being invulnerable to an
extramarital affair are deluding
themselves. Given the right
set of circumstances, it could
certainly happen, which is
why it is so necessary for
each of us to guard our hearts
carefully. As a general rule
of thumb, I believe that it
is ill advised for married
persons to have one on one
time with a person of the
opposite sex, engaging in
activities that could have
a social connotation. Flirtations
come easily in such circumstances
and a form of bonding occurs.
Also, it is wise not to discuss
personal difficulties with
the opposite sex (except in
the course of something like
counseling or pastoral care)
because that too creates closer
ties that can pull at emotional
strings.
It is very reasonable to
talk frankly with your husband
about this matter, letting
him know your strong reservations
about his boundaries with
this woman. If you know the
woman in question, it would
not necessarily be wrong to
also address your concerns
with her. You will need to
refrain from unnecessary persuasion
or histrionics, yet you can
proceed with confidence in
knowing that yours is a needed
perspective.
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