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While,
of course, it is good to be a pleasing
person, it always possible to carry a
good trait too far. Kindness, servitude,
helpfulness…these are qualities that
are common to people who have an uncanny
knack for inadvertently contributing to
unbalanced relational patterns. Unhealthy
people pleasing can be defined as the
tendency to cater to others' preferences
to the detriment of personal well-being.
It is a pattern of living that allows
others to be manipulative or, at the very
least, insensitive.
Let's
identify four self imposed "requirements"
that these folks impose upon themselves,
ultimately contributing to emotional and
relational discord. Do any look familiar?
| 1. |
The requirement to be responsible
for what is not yours. |
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A
central feature in thriving relationships
is the willingness of each participant
to be responsible for personal issues.
For instance, if a man has a problem
with his temper it is job to recognize
it and take the necessary steps to
bring it under control. Or if a woman
falls too easily into a mindset of
insecurity, it is her job to adjust
the thinking patterns that are bringing
her down.
Somewhere along
the way in life (usually in the
early years) people pleasers have
picked up the erroneous notion that
they are responsible for others'
moods. Perhaps they will become
too cautious as they dance around
someone else's improper behavior,
hoping their calculated behavior
will make that person have a better
frame of mind. Or maybe they run
interference for someone who is
relationally off base as a means
of keeping that person from having
to pay the price for that inappropriate
behavior. While it is good to be
a harmonizer in relationships, people
pleasers go too far in doing whatever
has to be done to minimize what
others are responsible for.
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| 2. |
The requirement
of enablement. |
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People
can be unappreciative, lazy, unwilling
to compromise, and manipulative. That
is not a very upbeat thought, nonetheless,
it is true. Unfortunately, when you
act in pleasing ways, there is a possibility
that someone will think, "This
is an excellent opportunity for me
to indulge my selfish desires."
Not everyone is that way, but enough
are that it warrants caution when
you choose to serve others.
In the midst of
their selfishness, some people send
the message," I expect you
to continue to treat me special,
and don't expect me to let go of
my rude behavior." Instead
of standing up to this mind of deservedness,
people pleasers will actually go
along with the rude person's demands
as a means of avoiding conflict.
They fail to factor in the long-term
effect of such capitulation on the
healthiness of the relationship.
By "propping up" irresponsibility,
they can actually help keep others'
bad habits and attitudes in motion.
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| 3. |
The requirement
to deny what is healthy. |
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People
pleasers ultimately play into improper
relationship patterns because they
choose not to admit reality. As an
example, a worker may take on another's
work stating that it is necessary
for business, or a parent may overlook
a child's selfishness saying it would
create more problems to try to confront
the problem. Usually, they rationalize
that they are merely trying to get
along as best as they can with those
persons.
The reality is
that the people pleasers do not
want to be bothered with the extra
effort it would take to step out
of someone else's manipulative or
insensitive ploys. Using denial,
they will label their "helpfulness"
as good and they will label confrontation
as nonproductive.
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| 4. |
The requirement
to show disrespect toward oneself. |
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Suppose
you talk with me about something heavy
on your heart, pouring out your emotions
as you seek some friendly encouragement.
Then imagine that I reply: "
Face it, your feelings and perspectives
don't matter." What an insult!
As absurd as that
scene might be, that is precisely
what people pleasers do to themselves
when they allow others to repeatedly
act insensitively to them. All behavior
communicates something. When someone
acts rudely, it is their way of
indicating low respect to that person.
When the recipient allows such behavior
to continue, that person is indicating
agreement. Excessive people pleasers
show through their placating ways
that they ultimately have little
respect for themselves.
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